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Romeo And Juliet: Shakespeare Appreciated William Shakespeare

Romeo And Juliet: Shakespeare Appreciated

William Shakespeare

Published
ISBN : 9781903362495
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 About the Book 

Romeo and Juliet, abridged.ROMEO: I’m Romeo, and I used to be emo and annoying but now I’m so totally in luuuuurve and it’s AWESOME.MERCUTIO: Okay, three things: One, there’s only room in this play for one awesome character and it’s me, bitch. Two, you’re still emo and annoying. Three, didn’t you say that exact same stuff yesterday about Rosaline?ROMEO: Who?*meanwhile, Juliet prances around her room and draws hearts on things and scribbles “Mrs. Juliet Montague” in her diary over and over. Because she is THIRTEEN. How old is Romeo supposed to be? Let’s not talk about that, k?*CAPULET: Good news, Juliet! I found you a husband!PARIS: Hello, I’m a complete tool.JULIET: Daddy, I don’t want to marry that apparently decent and unflawed guy! I’m in love with Romeo Montague – we met yesterday and it was HOT.CAPULET: I WILL BE DAMNED IF I SEE MY ONLY DAUGHTER MARRIED TO THE ONLY SON OF THE MAN WHO IS MY MORTAL ENEMY FOR REASONS TOO UNIMPORTANT TO SPECIFY IN THIS PLAY!JULIET: *stamps foot, runs off to her room to watch High School Musical again and sulk*TYBALT: Hey Romeo, your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!MONTAGUE POSSE: Oh, snap.MERCUTIO: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!TYBALT: MAKE ME!ROMEO: No! You can’t fight him, Mercutio because I already married his cousin!TYBALT: I KEEL YOU!*Romeo attempts to stop the fight and fails miserably*MERCUTIO: FUCK YOU ALL! *dies*ROMEO: Okay, forget what I said about not fighting. I KEEL YOU!TYBALT: *dies*PRINCE: I’ve had enough of your shit, Emo McStabbypants. You’re banished.ROMEO: Waaaaaahhhhhh! I’m banished and Juliet is going to marry another guy and it’s not fair WHY DOES GOD HATE ME?FRIAR LAURENCE: Jesus Christ, not this again. Okay, if you promise to grow a pair, I’ll help you and your wife out. Here’s the plan: she takes a potion that’ll make her go into a coma, and then she’ll get put in the family tomb and then you’ll sneak back into town, break into the tomb, wait until she wakes up, and then the two of you escape and live happily ever after! It’s perfect!AUDIENCE: …the hell?*Shockingly, the plan fails. Romeo goes back to the tomb (pausing to kill Paris just for good measure), but he thinks Juliet’s dead and drinks poison and dies, and then like two seconds later she wakes up and sees that Romeo isn’t mostly dead like she was, he’s dead, so she stabs herself.*MONTAGUE: Wow, we are awful parents.CAPULET: I have an idea – let’s make solid gold statues of our dead children to commemorate their love and serve as a constant reminder of the fact that our only children killed themselves because we were such uncaring parents.*they actually do this.*SHAKESPEARE: Beat that, Stephenie Meyer.THE END.Read for: 9th grade EnglishBONUS: courtesy of The Second City Network. Every Shakespeare heroine needs a sassy gay friend